We’ve all watched and laughed as a gerbil or hamster runs in their exercise wheel getting nowhere. But do they really know it? They don’t seem to get discouraged at that fact. I just found out I’ve been a gerbil the last 4 months and the question becomes ‘how will I respond?’
I read an old journal entry from mid-April. The things on my mind, the things going on in my life then are pretty much still going on in my life now. There have been some new players to the scene and new challenges to face but the bottom line issues in my life have not changed. In a very uncanny way they’re exactly the same. And that spoke volumes to me.
I could get discouraged with this reality but I can manage to give myself grace. We’ve dealt with Mom’s changing health and physical needs, unemployment for a 2nd time in 6 months, and a new job. So there have been a lot of ‘other’ things going on. But at the core, when the onion layers are stripped off, today I’m at the same place I was in late-April. And that causes me to ask some hard questions.
It tells me that I’m chomping on some big challenges that won’t get resolved quickly. They deal with relationships and people….enough said. What it does is bring me back to the same question from April: what am I willing to do about it? Am I willing to make changes? Am I willing to stop wasting time and live a life of no regrets instead of death-bed I’m sorries and ‘what I wish I had said’ thoughts.. And my answer: yes. With much fear, uncertainty, and internal trepedation…yes.
I have no clue where to start or how to start. I have ideas and some people to help along the way. There is much risk involved – rejection is the big one. But I have to try. I have to at least try. I have to be able – when I’m on my deathbed – to be able to say I did my absolute best with the strength and courage of the Lord to deal with whatever obstacles there were in my life. I don’t say that to be morbid; I say it to have an ‘eternal’ perspective. I don’t want to keep spinning the wheel and see my feet beneath me…I want to see new scenery, have new relationships, enjoy new peace…..because then I’ll know I’ve broken free from the wheel I’ve been on. I’m ‘asking for trouble.’ I know this. It won’t be easy. It’ll be painful. It’ll bring emotions to the surface that I’d rather smother. It’ll definitely get worse before it gets better. I have to remember that if my words hurt now for a moment, my lack of words hurt more for an eternity. And if I only look at my feet I’ll stay paralyzed in fear. But if I look ahead I’ll see God leading me down a path. And somehow He always makes the journey worth it.
God has been using a song in my life for the last 8 months and even the first line just keeps popping back in my head – God uses it as a springboard. It’s by Sanctus Real and it’s called ‘Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly)’ – take in these few lines:
“It’s time for healing/ time to move on/ It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long/ Time to make right/ what has been wrong/ It’s time to find my way to where I belong/ There’s a wave that’s crashing over me/ And all I can do, is surrender……..time for a milestone/ time to begin again/ re-evaluate who I really am/ Am I doing everything/ to follow Your will/ or just climbing aimlessly over these hills/ So show me what it is You want from me/ I give everything/ I surrender………’
What are you chasing in your wheel? Are you getting anywhere? Are you willing to jump out of the familiar into the unknown and find God there? Join me. I think we’re in for a ride! Right now my ‘commitment’ is weak – one of those ‘I don’t want to but know I ‘have’ to’ times. You know how those are….every little encouragement along the way is helpful. I pray my various thoughts & posts along the way are a small morsel of encouragement to you as you ‘eat the elephant one bite at a time.’ Anyone have some salt?