I scribbled on my bulletin this morning at church. I had to find something to write on to capture what was going on in my head during worship. The lyrics pierced my heart & put an image in my head and asked the question that penetrates to the core:
“You tore the veil, You made a (the) way, when You said that ‘it is done.’ Those were the lyrics; these were my thoughts: so why do I stand at the entrance looking in but not entering in? what holds me back? why does God seem so big & out of reach and I feel so small?’ And then came the picture. Imagine a stick figure 1/4″ tall standing at a huge door about 1” tall on the picture….get the image…the proportion? That’s the image in my head…why can I not walk through that door if the veil has been torn? Notes from the speaker dot my canvas: ‘John 5:14 – it’s not OK to stay the same; God’s love is infinitely greater than my sin – John 5:20.’
God moved in my heart during ministry time. I received a great deal of prayer, and I sat – literally – and let God pour into my empty bucket, prayerfully filling a couple more of those holes. And I felt like I took a step closer….like I at least approached the entryway and got brave enough to sheepishly try to peek around the corner, much as a child does when they’re trying to see but not be seen. But at least I got closer. It’s always felt ‘just out of reach’ – like the cripple waiting for someone to lower him into the water when it stirs but he never makes it – it’s always just out of reach. I don’t have it in my grasp yet….but maybe I took a small step closer today.